Minding my Manners

I like to put my elbows on the table when I eat. It’s a bad habit that I’m trying to break but it’s not easy. My mom taught me not to do this from a young age. She also taught me which fork to use and to not talk with my mouth full. She passed on all the table manners I would need so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself at a formal dinner or lunch with the Queen.
I’m not sure why I can’t follow her teachings and society’s conventions. Somehow my elbows creep up onto the edge of the table. I don’t sit all hunched over, guarding my food; I’m just a bit lazy and like to rest my arms while enjoying a meal. And why shouldn’t I? Why is it considered rude to have elbows on the table and, for that matter, how did we come up with all the other crazy rules of table etiquette?
Sure, chewing with your mouth closed is an obvious one. Who really wants to see what’s going on inside someone else’s mouth while they’re eating? And I also get not talking about disgusting subject matter or making negative comments about the food others are eating, but where did all those forks come from and what about all the rules about napkin use?
Etiquette and manners are our culture’s unwritten rules which help us all get along as a civil society. Table manners are especially important. They developed since sharing food could be a touchy subject and making sure everyone got some and didn’t try to kill each other over it was pretty important.
Table manners evolved with us as we became more civilized and as technologies developed. There was no need in the Middle Ages, when communal dining became more prevalent, for decisions about which fork to use when, because there were no forks. Actually, there was no cutlery whatsoever. You had to bring your own knife if you wanted any of the roast mutton that was shared on one plate between three or four people.
Being in close quarters with sharp weapons necessitated some rules. Don’t point your knife at other guests while your eating, wipe off your hands and mouth before drinking (since you were sharing the glass with those same four people), and don’t put your elbows on the table were a few of the courtesies that developed during that time.
The elbows were important for two reasons. First it was pretty crowded with four people all eating off the same plate so if your elbows were on the table it meant your plate-mates couldn’t get to their food. And second, the tables were pretty rickety back then, just a board on top of sawhorses, and if you leaned on one side you ran the risk of upsetting the whole works. The only other table manners that seemed to exist at that time were a ban on spitting and picking your teeth with your knife at the table.
Silverware technology advanced, forks were invented and spoons became more commonplace but people were still expected to bring their own. Knifes became less lethal but were still symbols of war and were treated as such. The edges were always pointed toward the plate and were never left resting with the handle on the table and the point up.
Since you got to bring your own silverware to dinner, it became quite ornate and people used it to show off their wealth (as in “my spoon is bigger and prettier than your spoon”). I’m guessing that as the technology to make silverware and plates improved, households were able to supply place setting for every guest. Having a different utensil and plate for every course became the height of wealth. As people strove to gain status in society, the number of forks, knifes and spoons increased as well.
Today’s formal place setting is a vestige of that sense of propriety and wealth. It is due to our sense of tradition and the civility it implies that we still encounter all those forks in fancy restaurants and formal dinners.
Napkins and the rules for their use also developed with technology as well. In the Middle Ages the tablecloth was the napkin. Everyone used it to wipe their hands and face. All cloth back then first had to be raised (either grown from flax or on sheep (in Europe at least)) then spun into yarn and woven into cloth. There were probably only one or two tablecloths per household. To wash them, you first had to make your own soap and then take the cloth and the rest of your laundry out to the stream and beat it against the rocks. I’m guessing the tablecloths got kind of gross. This is probably the time period when we decided it was impolite to put any used utensils back down on the table. Not only did this rule keep the cloth cleaner longer, but it kept your utensil from picking up any of last night’s (or the night before’s) dinner. As spinning and weaving technologies improved, the napkin came to be but we were still eating mostly with our fingers so they were quite large. As we adopted the use of utensils, our hands got cleaner and our napkins got smaller.
At a formal dinner today, napkins see very little use. We dab at our mouth before drinking (a nod to the days when we shared our glass) or wipe at the corners of our mouth when we finish. Our hands stay clean since there is almost nothing served at a formal dinner which we eat with our fingers (crisp asparagus spears being the only exception I found) and they remain in our laps the entire meal, from the time we sit down until everyone is finished with their meal. This is a holdover from days gone by when we wanted to hide any messiness from our companions and I can imagine how messy they got if everything was eaten with your fingers.
Although it seems like some table manners should have gone by the wayside long ago, tradition is hard to break. I know it annoys me to no end when a waiter takes my fork off my salad plate and sets it back down for me to reuse. How hard is it to get a new fork? Sure, the tablecloth is clean and will be replaced before the next person sits down so the traditional reason for not placing used utensils on the table is gone but it still seems like a considerate thing to do. I like that tradition. I’m sure there are a lot of other people out there who like it too and that’s why it continues.
Come to think of it, there are probably plenty of people out there who would prefer not to see me eating with my elbows on the table. I’ll try harder to mind my manners.

Vicki Reich lives in Sagle where she had way too much fun researching table manners and their history. She has a new found commitment to proper etiquette and can’t wait to host a formal dinner party with all those forks. She can be reached at wordomouth@yahoo.com